I find myself in this humdrum routine
Making me ask, ‘what does this mean?
Is there something that I must do?
Or do I just have to follow life through?
I found myself on this crossroad again,
Should I go right, left or forge in?
I really don’t know where to go…
And I don’t know what to do…
But I realized, no one is beside me
To tell me how and make me see
I guess, I’m all alone on this journey
The journey to find I, myself and me…
Showing posts with label Glimpses from a complicated mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Glimpses from a complicated mind. Show all posts
July 14, 2008
December 27, 2007
Love's Complexities
Recently, I found myself surrounded by the overwhelming bittersweet effects of a grand emotion we call LOVE. Mind you, I am not directly involved in it.
It has already been an almost daily happening to find my friend in tears or in a state of zoning out from reality. I could somehow understand the inner turmoil that she is in now for I am not an amateur on this situation but seeing her going overboard and slowly destroying herself is too much for me to comprehend the logic in her actions. I do know we are only humans and thus are susceptible to weaknesses and mistakes. Based on my understanding of Love, it can be a person's weakness or another person's strength. It only depends on how you let it rule over you. I guess, my friend has made it the center of her life for when it came crashing down, she went with it.
For me, LOVE is neither good nor bad. It can be a strong motivational factor or a pillar to ones success if used properly. Many say that LOVE should be unconditional and infinite. Most say you should love with all of your heart to be able to grasp the happiness that it brings but does that mean you should love him more than your life? Does that mean you should pour all your capacity for loving on it? How do we know the right way of loving someone? If there is even a right way. When do we know that the emotion we perceive as love has unconsciously turned into poison that slowly eats up the soul of our being? I guess if you are not directly caught up in it, you might be able to spot the slight changes but for the person involved, it might take them a while or probably never. For when you are too occupied with the present and has the shadows of the past, you don't have time to look beyond (or some people just refuse to do so).
LOVE is like a double edged sword. It is bittersweet. It is Heaven and Hell. I can go on with all the adjectives but the bottom line is --- LOVE is inseparable to PAIN. If this is the case, the best we can do is to try to lessen the pain Love brings. How? It all depends on you. All of us have different ways of coping with pain.
Considering all these, I go by a principle. "LOVE UNSELFISHLY" then you will still be able to feel happiness amidst all the pain for in shedding our selfish nature will we be able to love more and appreciate the beauty it brings.
It has already been an almost daily happening to find my friend in tears or in a state of zoning out from reality. I could somehow understand the inner turmoil that she is in now for I am not an amateur on this situation but seeing her going overboard and slowly destroying herself is too much for me to comprehend the logic in her actions. I do know we are only humans and thus are susceptible to weaknesses and mistakes. Based on my understanding of Love, it can be a person's weakness or another person's strength. It only depends on how you let it rule over you. I guess, my friend has made it the center of her life for when it came crashing down, she went with it.
For me, LOVE is neither good nor bad. It can be a strong motivational factor or a pillar to ones success if used properly. Many say that LOVE should be unconditional and infinite. Most say you should love with all of your heart to be able to grasp the happiness that it brings but does that mean you should love him more than your life? Does that mean you should pour all your capacity for loving on it? How do we know the right way of loving someone? If there is even a right way. When do we know that the emotion we perceive as love has unconsciously turned into poison that slowly eats up the soul of our being? I guess if you are not directly caught up in it, you might be able to spot the slight changes but for the person involved, it might take them a while or probably never. For when you are too occupied with the present and has the shadows of the past, you don't have time to look beyond (or some people just refuse to do so).
LOVE is like a double edged sword. It is bittersweet. It is Heaven and Hell. I can go on with all the adjectives but the bottom line is --- LOVE is inseparable to PAIN. If this is the case, the best we can do is to try to lessen the pain Love brings. How? It all depends on you. All of us have different ways of coping with pain.
Considering all these, I go by a principle. "LOVE UNSELFISHLY" then you will still be able to feel happiness amidst all the pain for in shedding our selfish nature will we be able to love more and appreciate the beauty it brings.
Postscript:
LOVE is too grand an emotion. It is too complex to decipher and understand thoroughly.
So, let us just welcome it, embrace it and feel it!
It's one of the things that makes us Human!
Cheers!
November 2, 2007
What Money Brings...
November 1, 1:47pm. I was walking down the road from Funan IT Mall where I just purchased a book that I have been postponing to buy for weeks now on my way to City Hall MRT when I passed by a store that has a sign that read, St. Andrew's Cathedral, You are welcome here. That didn't stop me from my tracks until I saw a huge poster inside the paneled glass that read "Money No Enough" (yup, that's exactly what it said!)
I started reading its content...and I found myself agreeing to the words. Let me share them with you. I know this is not the first time we have heard or read about this but somehow it made me think about it again.
"Money No Enough"
Money can buy a House but not a Home.
Money can buy a Bed but not Sleep.
Money can buy Books but not Knowledge.
Money can buy a Position but not Respect.
Money can buy Medicine but not Health.
Money can buy Blood but not Life.
Money can buy Sex but not Love.
These thoughts made me re-think about my life and how I'm living it. It reminded me of what is really valuable in this existence. It made me reorganize my priorities and put more thought on the important things in life.
Somehow it made me appreciate the things I have now. It made me feel grateful for I realized I have in abundance the most priceless things on earth... a Home which my loving and supportive family has given me, quality Sleep that my current lifestyle made possible, Knowledge that the vast experiences and people around me have contributed, Respect that I tried so hard to achieve and was paid off, Health that the Almighty One has blessed me, Life that He graciously lent me, and Love that my family and friends have unconditionally showered me.
So you see, I am RICH!
And I will try my best to treasure and keep these riches as long as possible. I hope everyone can do the same.
*************************************************************************************
The second poster on the same shop that caught my eyes read " Money and Greed".
Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of energy we spend trying to get more money for that lifestyle we can't afford? Our desire for material wealth can overtake our life. It can become an addiction loading us with debt. Let us not feed greed!
This poster narrates the reasons why people want and will do whatever means to own the material things in this temporary world which they can hardly afford. Most people want it because other people have it. Some want it to establish or reestablish their position in society. This message reminds us not to be caught in the money trap but rather invest for eternity.
Matthew 6: 19-21
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Job 1: 21
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
I started reading its content...and I found myself agreeing to the words. Let me share them with you. I know this is not the first time we have heard or read about this but somehow it made me think about it again.
"Money No Enough"
Money can buy a House but not a Home.
Money can buy a Bed but not Sleep.
Money can buy Books but not Knowledge.
Money can buy a Position but not Respect.
Money can buy Medicine but not Health.
Money can buy Blood but not Life.
Money can buy Sex but not Love.
These thoughts made me re-think about my life and how I'm living it. It reminded me of what is really valuable in this existence. It made me reorganize my priorities and put more thought on the important things in life.
Somehow it made me appreciate the things I have now. It made me feel grateful for I realized I have in abundance the most priceless things on earth... a Home which my loving and supportive family has given me, quality Sleep that my current lifestyle made possible, Knowledge that the vast experiences and people around me have contributed, Respect that I tried so hard to achieve and was paid off, Health that the Almighty One has blessed me, Life that He graciously lent me, and Love that my family and friends have unconditionally showered me.
So you see, I am RICH!
And I will try my best to treasure and keep these riches as long as possible. I hope everyone can do the same.
*************************************************************************************
The second poster on the same shop that caught my eyes read " Money and Greed".
Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of energy we spend trying to get more money for that lifestyle we can't afford? Our desire for material wealth can overtake our life. It can become an addiction loading us with debt. Let us not feed greed!
This poster narrates the reasons why people want and will do whatever means to own the material things in this temporary world which they can hardly afford. Most people want it because other people have it. Some want it to establish or reestablish their position in society. This message reminds us not to be caught in the money trap but rather invest for eternity.
Matthew 6: 19-21
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Job 1: 21
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
Postscript
Joey, I know this is not my usual style but whatever!
October 31, 2007
Tug of War
Right now, I don't feel good that's why I decided to write this.
For the past weeks, I only have my notebook to keep me company.
I'm sad. I feel blue. I'm homesick. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my old room. I miss the familiar faces and places that surrounded me for years.
My day starts and ends like clockwork and the only thing that I look forward to everyday are the calls made and text messages sent by my family and friends back home. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse. What is left of the ties to my old life is the one that somehow sustains my sanity and gives me strength to pull myself together and start the day but at the same time, it adds fuel to my restless thoughts and heavy heart.
Sometimes it gives me a smile, sometimes a frown, sometimes peals of laughter, and sometimes a flood of tears. Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Or am I losing it? Hahay! Who says life is easy?
----------------------drowning in the river of my own thoughts...--------------------
For the past weeks, I only have my notebook to keep me company.
I'm sad. I feel blue. I'm homesick. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my old room. I miss the familiar faces and places that surrounded me for years.
My day starts and ends like clockwork and the only thing that I look forward to everyday are the calls made and text messages sent by my family and friends back home. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse. What is left of the ties to my old life is the one that somehow sustains my sanity and gives me strength to pull myself together and start the day but at the same time, it adds fuel to my restless thoughts and heavy heart.
Sometimes it gives me a smile, sometimes a frown, sometimes peals of laughter, and sometimes a flood of tears. Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Or am I losing it? Hahay! Who says life is easy?
----------------------drowning in the river of my own thoughts...--------------------
October 10, 2007
Self Evolution Through Love and Relationships
I was driving my way towards Ayala Cebu to drop off my dear friend, Joey, after spending a nice afternoon with him over mocha froccino at SM Bo's Coffee. Being deprived of the precious talks we always have for two months, we were immersed once again on our all-time favorite topic..... our Singleblessedness.
Nowadays, Joey and I have the same outlook on love and relationships. Although we don't close our doors to love coming our way, we already have a heart and mind toughened through time by continuous disappointments, heartaches, and failed relationships.
'Cille, I don't think we'll be able to find the person who can tame us.', he quipped.
I looked at him and realized, maybe he's right. We are two individuals who are too spirited and carefree. We were born with passion, grew up with a zest for life, and matured with the never ending experiences and discoveries about oneself
After he got off, I tried to look back at all the relationships I had as well as the failed attempts of a relationship.
My Journey on the Road of LOVE....
Guy Letter F [ Mr. Gary Estrada look a like ]
Christmas season of 1990
My first puppy love. He's the typical high schooler who sends love letters through common friends. We started seeing each other for three months. It ended when I had to choose between him and my childhood friends who don't approve of his religious preference. As naive and childish as I was back then, I chose to stay with my friends who has been with me for years.
Lesson learned: God gave me a brain to use and the ability to think for myself. Never choose between Love and Friendship; instead let both of it coexist in your life. We should be Responsible for our own choices.
Guy Letter D [ Mr. Dimples ]
August of 1993
My first serious relationship. I was a freshman in college. Most of the people around me are either in a relationship, going into one, or just got off from a relationship. He was the first guy who courted me with confidence. With his cheery disposition and disarming set of dimples, he made me say 'yes'. I was welcomed and loved by his family and he treated me with great care. From an exclusive girls high school to a coed college, I gained diverse friends for I am naturally friendly [my 2 best friends, Joey and Lambz can attest to that!]. I then caught glimpses of insecurities and a jealous nature in him. Over the course of our relationship, this became an issue to the point that he wants me to stop going to school. When I realized that the relationship has become a destructive one, I ended it with him. I never imagined that the break-up would cause him to attempt to end his life and landed him in a hospital for a month. I was saddened with what he had become. We ended on July 1997, after almost 4 years.
Lesson learned: Relationships are composed of 2 different individuals rowing on the same boat. You are supposed to be in harmony and be each others support. A relationship should help you grow in becoming a better person.
Love may be the reason for a relationship to start but Trust is the main ingredient for it to grow....
Guy Letter K [ Mr. Soccer Player from Iligan ]
August 1997
My first case of hidden secrets. I first met him at a mall where my friends and I are having fun at the bump car rides. Little did I know that our boarding houses are just within walking distance from each other. We started hanging out together and he confessed his feelings. I never officially said 'yes' although my actions speak my mutual attraction [ with his oozing sex appeal, Who can blame me?? ] until I found out that he has someone waiting for him back in his hometown. As abruptly as he appeared in my life, I disappeared from his. I stopped receiving his calls and moved out of my place. It lasted for a month.
Lesson learned: Honesty is needed for a relationship to start right.
Guy Letter E [ Mr. Sweet Guy from Butuan ]
Late September of 1997
My first boring relationship. I met him through his group of friends that my friends and I also recently met in one of our 'gimik' nights. Since he was the only good looking guy in his group and coupled with his sweetness, I accepted his feelings but as the days turned into weeks, I can't find myself in a state of being in love. We never argued and he never complained. He was always ready to assist me in whatever I need. I ended it at the end of October.
Lesson learned: Good looks and sweetness is not a guarantee for sparks to fly. Relationship needs Passion. Both parties should adjust and cater towards each other. It can never be only one sided for it to work.
Guy Letter M [ Mr. Rich and Powerful Guy from Ormoc ]
Halloween of 1997
My first taste of the cliche 'I can give up anything for Love'. I visited my mother's hometown in Ormoc with my family. I was dragged by my cousin to attend their annual Halloween party. On that same night I was invited to go on a date the following day. He was mild-mannered, straight to the point, and quite persistent. He chased me all the way back to Cebu. Gradually, I was moved by his sincerity and learned to reciprocate his feelings. For 5 months, he made the long distance relationship emotionally and physically less visible. After I finished my college subjects, he made me move to his city and supplied me with everything I need. He offered me a financially stable future and a secured love. I was never allowed to work and my whims were catered to at all times. He made sure I was treated well by his family and friends. He was always there by my side whether I need him or not. In return, I tried to be the ideal girlfriend. I changed my choice of clothes and I lessened my going out with friends. I was mostly satisfied with our relationship for a time. He is a devoted and loving partner. He placed me at a pedestal which unconsciously is also the downfall of our relationship.
I was treated like a princess with people following my every action and telling me how lucky I am but amidst the glitters lay an empty shell. I felt useless and no matter how much I try to tame my spirited nature, I still have the longing of self fulfillment and the desire to explore the life outside the castle he built around me. So, I went back to Cebu and pursue a postgraduate course. To my disbelief, he followed me and gave up his very comfortable and powerful world to stay by my side. I was moved but I also felt guilty. He is his father's only successor. No matter how hard I try, I can never fully fit in his world and he was born to stay in his world. I can never give him the kind of love he is giving me. So, I ended our relationship with determination despite his begging and tears and wished him from the bottom of my heart that he may find his true happiness someday and the right girl for him. Left with no option, he returned to his old life but with these great words he left me, 'Go and do what you think you have to do. I will wait for you no matter how long you'll take, no matter what happens in between...If you decide to return, I will always be willing to take you back.' but deep in my heart on that March of 2002 I know there's no going back.
Lesson learned: Wealth, Fame, Power, and being loved greatly is never a guarantee for ones Happiness. In a relationship, there are sacrifices to be made but if the sacrifice will end up with losing ones true self and dreams, it is better to let go than to continue living without a soul and a dream. Mutual happiness is relevant in a lasting relationship.
Guy Letter A [ Mr. Almost Perfect ]
Christmas season of 2003
My first Dreamlike relationship. A man of good physique and a boyishly handsome face that can always draw attention and most of the time can't help people from openly staring. He is not Filipino, He's Korean. Despite my biased opinion on a Filipino-Korean relationship, he convinced me to give it a shot. He tried his best to prove to me that we can last more than a couple of months. Communication was never a barrier for us for we were both good in English. Together we learned to adjust to each others lifestyle. I am an emotionally independent woman but he taught me that a burden shared by two is half less a burden.
With him I learned to slowly open up my mind and my heart. He taught me the importance of openness between lovers and the power of communication in a relationship. We listened to each others dreams and woes. He taught me how to be sensitive towards my partners feelings. He taught me how to appreciate life. Although nobody is perfect but he was close to being one. He not only is a matured, responsible, understanding, thoughtful, loving, caring, sincere, faithful, and trustful partner but also a confident man who knows what he wants, a humble person with a kind heart, a good friend to others and a filial son. He taught me patience which helped a lot during the total of 12 months when we have to settle for the time being on a long-distance relationship. He invited me to plan our future together. We were then both happy with each other..... but sadly Fate intervened. Although he was willing to leave his homeland to build his future with me, I had to make the hardest decision which has a great impact on our relationship. When I knew that he was offered a great job opportunity and a bright future in his own country plus the fact that his mother is ill with the big C, I really don't have the heart to tear him away from them. Although he offered me another option of staying in his country instead, I knew that the culture difference is too great and that Korean society has never really fully accepted mixed race relationships yet. It will eventually become a great burden for both of us to bear and a continuous struggle not only to us but to our children as well. So, on April of 2006, a month after I convinced him to accept the good job offered, I bid farewell and ended our relationship. Although our feelings for each other never changed until the last day of our relationship, we were still able to let go because we understand each other very well and are attuned to each others feelings and we let Fate lead us to where we are destined to be but we left each other this parting thought, 'If you are my Soulmate, Destiny will find its way...'
Lesson learned: Even if both of you worked really hard for your relationship and there was never any big problem between the two of you that you can't work it out, sometimes there are things that are not meant for you to have leaving us to surrender ourselves to FATE....
After my journey back through time, I realized with a smile and a sense of gratefulness the vast experiences I had in Love and Relationships. There was never a second in my life that I regretted meeting them or sharing a part of my life with them for because of them and what they have taught me, I am the person I am today. A strong person open to any type of possibilities, a person who knows how to find joy in simple things and a person who can still find happiness in unconventional ways.
So, Joey, if what you said may come true, I know we are strong enough to accept that possibility. I know we can still find joy in a simple life devoid of emotional responsibilities and most of all, I know we can still find happiness in our SINGLEBLESSEDNESS.
Nowadays, Joey and I have the same outlook on love and relationships. Although we don't close our doors to love coming our way, we already have a heart and mind toughened through time by continuous disappointments, heartaches, and failed relationships.
'Cille, I don't think we'll be able to find the person who can tame us.', he quipped.
I looked at him and realized, maybe he's right. We are two individuals who are too spirited and carefree. We were born with passion, grew up with a zest for life, and matured with the never ending experiences and discoveries about oneself
After he got off, I tried to look back at all the relationships I had as well as the failed attempts of a relationship.
My Journey on the Road of LOVE....Guy Letter F [ Mr. Gary Estrada look a like ]
Christmas season of 1990
My first puppy love. He's the typical high schooler who sends love letters through common friends. We started seeing each other for three months. It ended when I had to choose between him and my childhood friends who don't approve of his religious preference. As naive and childish as I was back then, I chose to stay with my friends who has been with me for years.
Lesson learned: God gave me a brain to use and the ability to think for myself. Never choose between Love and Friendship; instead let both of it coexist in your life. We should be Responsible for our own choices.
Guy Letter D [ Mr. Dimples ]
August of 1993
My first serious relationship. I was a freshman in college. Most of the people around me are either in a relationship, going into one, or just got off from a relationship. He was the first guy who courted me with confidence. With his cheery disposition and disarming set of dimples, he made me say 'yes'. I was welcomed and loved by his family and he treated me with great care. From an exclusive girls high school to a coed college, I gained diverse friends for I am naturally friendly [my 2 best friends, Joey and Lambz can attest to that!]. I then caught glimpses of insecurities and a jealous nature in him. Over the course of our relationship, this became an issue to the point that he wants me to stop going to school. When I realized that the relationship has become a destructive one, I ended it with him. I never imagined that the break-up would cause him to attempt to end his life and landed him in a hospital for a month. I was saddened with what he had become. We ended on July 1997, after almost 4 years.
Lesson learned: Relationships are composed of 2 different individuals rowing on the same boat. You are supposed to be in harmony and be each others support. A relationship should help you grow in becoming a better person.
Love may be the reason for a relationship to start but Trust is the main ingredient for it to grow....
Guy Letter K [ Mr. Soccer Player from Iligan ]
August 1997
My first case of hidden secrets. I first met him at a mall where my friends and I are having fun at the bump car rides. Little did I know that our boarding houses are just within walking distance from each other. We started hanging out together and he confessed his feelings. I never officially said 'yes' although my actions speak my mutual attraction [ with his oozing sex appeal, Who can blame me?? ] until I found out that he has someone waiting for him back in his hometown. As abruptly as he appeared in my life, I disappeared from his. I stopped receiving his calls and moved out of my place. It lasted for a month.
Lesson learned: Honesty is needed for a relationship to start right.
Guy Letter E [ Mr. Sweet Guy from Butuan ]
Late September of 1997
My first boring relationship. I met him through his group of friends that my friends and I also recently met in one of our 'gimik' nights. Since he was the only good looking guy in his group and coupled with his sweetness, I accepted his feelings but as the days turned into weeks, I can't find myself in a state of being in love. We never argued and he never complained. He was always ready to assist me in whatever I need. I ended it at the end of October.
Lesson learned: Good looks and sweetness is not a guarantee for sparks to fly. Relationship needs Passion. Both parties should adjust and cater towards each other. It can never be only one sided for it to work.
Guy Letter M [ Mr. Rich and Powerful Guy from Ormoc ]
Halloween of 1997
My first taste of the cliche 'I can give up anything for Love'. I visited my mother's hometown in Ormoc with my family. I was dragged by my cousin to attend their annual Halloween party. On that same night I was invited to go on a date the following day. He was mild-mannered, straight to the point, and quite persistent. He chased me all the way back to Cebu. Gradually, I was moved by his sincerity and learned to reciprocate his feelings. For 5 months, he made the long distance relationship emotionally and physically less visible. After I finished my college subjects, he made me move to his city and supplied me with everything I need. He offered me a financially stable future and a secured love. I was never allowed to work and my whims were catered to at all times. He made sure I was treated well by his family and friends. He was always there by my side whether I need him or not. In return, I tried to be the ideal girlfriend. I changed my choice of clothes and I lessened my going out with friends. I was mostly satisfied with our relationship for a time. He is a devoted and loving partner. He placed me at a pedestal which unconsciously is also the downfall of our relationship.
I was treated like a princess with people following my every action and telling me how lucky I am but amidst the glitters lay an empty shell. I felt useless and no matter how much I try to tame my spirited nature, I still have the longing of self fulfillment and the desire to explore the life outside the castle he built around me. So, I went back to Cebu and pursue a postgraduate course. To my disbelief, he followed me and gave up his very comfortable and powerful world to stay by my side. I was moved but I also felt guilty. He is his father's only successor. No matter how hard I try, I can never fully fit in his world and he was born to stay in his world. I can never give him the kind of love he is giving me. So, I ended our relationship with determination despite his begging and tears and wished him from the bottom of my heart that he may find his true happiness someday and the right girl for him. Left with no option, he returned to his old life but with these great words he left me, 'Go and do what you think you have to do. I will wait for you no matter how long you'll take, no matter what happens in between...If you decide to return, I will always be willing to take you back.' but deep in my heart on that March of 2002 I know there's no going back.
Lesson learned: Wealth, Fame, Power, and being loved greatly is never a guarantee for ones Happiness. In a relationship, there are sacrifices to be made but if the sacrifice will end up with losing ones true self and dreams, it is better to let go than to continue living without a soul and a dream. Mutual happiness is relevant in a lasting relationship.
Guy Letter A [ Mr. Almost Perfect ]
Christmas season of 2003
My first Dreamlike relationship. A man of good physique and a boyishly handsome face that can always draw attention and most of the time can't help people from openly staring. He is not Filipino, He's Korean. Despite my biased opinion on a Filipino-Korean relationship, he convinced me to give it a shot. He tried his best to prove to me that we can last more than a couple of months. Communication was never a barrier for us for we were both good in English. Together we learned to adjust to each others lifestyle. I am an emotionally independent woman but he taught me that a burden shared by two is half less a burden.
With him I learned to slowly open up my mind and my heart. He taught me the importance of openness between lovers and the power of communication in a relationship. We listened to each others dreams and woes. He taught me how to be sensitive towards my partners feelings. He taught me how to appreciate life. Although nobody is perfect but he was close to being one. He not only is a matured, responsible, understanding, thoughtful, loving, caring, sincere, faithful, and trustful partner but also a confident man who knows what he wants, a humble person with a kind heart, a good friend to others and a filial son. He taught me patience which helped a lot during the total of 12 months when we have to settle for the time being on a long-distance relationship. He invited me to plan our future together. We were then both happy with each other..... but sadly Fate intervened. Although he was willing to leave his homeland to build his future with me, I had to make the hardest decision which has a great impact on our relationship. When I knew that he was offered a great job opportunity and a bright future in his own country plus the fact that his mother is ill with the big C, I really don't have the heart to tear him away from them. Although he offered me another option of staying in his country instead, I knew that the culture difference is too great and that Korean society has never really fully accepted mixed race relationships yet. It will eventually become a great burden for both of us to bear and a continuous struggle not only to us but to our children as well. So, on April of 2006, a month after I convinced him to accept the good job offered, I bid farewell and ended our relationship. Although our feelings for each other never changed until the last day of our relationship, we were still able to let go because we understand each other very well and are attuned to each others feelings and we let Fate lead us to where we are destined to be but we left each other this parting thought, 'If you are my Soulmate, Destiny will find its way...'
Lesson learned: Even if both of you worked really hard for your relationship and there was never any big problem between the two of you that you can't work it out, sometimes there are things that are not meant for you to have leaving us to surrender ourselves to FATE....
After my journey back through time, I realized with a smile and a sense of gratefulness the vast experiences I had in Love and Relationships. There was never a second in my life that I regretted meeting them or sharing a part of my life with them for because of them and what they have taught me, I am the person I am today. A strong person open to any type of possibilities, a person who knows how to find joy in simple things and a person who can still find happiness in unconventional ways.
So, Joey, if what you said may come true, I know we are strong enough to accept that possibility. I know we can still find joy in a simple life devoid of emotional responsibilities and most of all, I know we can still find happiness in our SINGLEBLESSEDNESS.
Postscript
Guy Letter F - current age is 31. Last I heard, he moved to another city and settled there.
Guy Letter D - current age is 33. Last I heard, he is in Manila pursuing his future.
Guy Letter K - current age is 28. Last I heard, he is still with his childhood sweetheart.
Guy Letter E - current age 29. Last I heard, he migrated to Australia and got married.
Guy Letter M - current age 30. Last I heard, after more than 3 years of waiting he finally moved on with his life when he saw me in the hands of a better man.
Guy Letter A - current age is 28. Last I heard he is enjoying in his work and his mom is undergoing treatment with big hopes.
August 12, 2007
Even if It Takes Forever
I have almost lived half of my lifetime now...
And I could say, I almost had it all.
The glitz and glamour,
The fun and laughter,
The bondings and parties...
The happy-go-lucky friends,
The hopelessly romantic ones,
The booze buddies and the chimney pals.
Men who have loved and cherished me at one time or another
Who gave me their all and brought me the world.
I had a great and almost perfect life with them.
But still, I choose to leave...
Not because they weren't perfect
But because I have to let go...
For deep inside the recesses of my troubled mind and restless soul,
I knew...
That I'm still waiting...
Waiting for that one person at the end of the rainbow...
And I could say, I almost had it all.
The glitz and glamour,
The fun and laughter,
The bondings and parties...
The happy-go-lucky friends,
The hopelessly romantic ones,
The booze buddies and the chimney pals.
Men who have loved and cherished me at one time or another
Who gave me their all and brought me the world.
I had a great and almost perfect life with them.
But still, I choose to leave...
Not because they weren't perfect
But because I have to let go...
For deep inside the recesses of my troubled mind and restless soul,
I knew...
That I'm still waiting...
Waiting for that one person at the end of the rainbow...
The Ultimate Realization
They say that the pain a broken heart can give is the worst pain one could ever feel. I've seen my friends go through it over and over again. I was there on every tear that drops, every scream they've done, every litany of curses spewed, every time they made a fool of themselves when they try to regain what was lost, and every time their pride was stamped on once again... So then I decided I won't expose myself to that kind of torture, that kind of pain.
I've succesfully shielded my heart and my pride all these years and have left every relationship with myself intact and unscathed but was I really intact? Or is it just the hollow state of me that is intact? After all this time, I now see my friends in a different light. I realized with a smile that what they were doing to themselves are the greatest gifts they can ever give themselves... HOPE.
Hope of finding the elusive one, Hope of one day feeling what is true love, and hope of attaining happiness in the end. The scars that they got for all the times that their hearts were broken now look so beautiful coz these streaks are the symbol of their fight, their fight for love. I don't have scars to show off but now is always the right time to start. I'd rather be broken but whole than to remain whole but is still broken for by being broken is what makes us whole.
To all my friends, thank you for helping me for in you I found myself.
The Fear and Courage of Loving
For a while, I was surrounded by friends, fun, and laughter.
I thought I was satisfied with the life I was leading.
Then one day, you silently walked into my life.
And made me realize the One thing that I was missing...
I never thought you would be able to open up
The very last thing I made sure would stay close.
I never even expected you to scratch the surface
but you did more than that, you did a lot worse.
You dug deep into the very heart and soul of me.
Slowly melting the ice along the way...
By God, I tried everything I can to resist you
but I just kept falling in love day by day.
You made me see the beauty of a red sunrise,
You made me listen to the music of the ebbing wave,
You made me feel the scorching sensation of the sun,
And you made me taste the magic that we call Love...
So now, I feel exposed and vulnerable
To all the heavenly bliss and the merciless pain.
For Baby, my heart is under the power of your hands
To do as you please, to follow as you want.
But inspite of all these uncertainty, my love
There is one thing I surely know I'll do,
I would bravely face the unknown of tomorrow
Just to spend a few more moments with you...
Postscript
I wrote this during the summer of 2004 dedicated to my last boyfriend who taught me a lot of things. Anthony, thank you and may you find happiness...
Why?
Sometimes we wonder why we feel the things we feel,
Why we get hurt ..and why we heal..
Sometimes we also ask ourselves, what is love?
Is this love? Are we capable to love?
But only the echo of silence answers us
and the slow hushing sound that it does.
Yet, we stand up, walk out the door,
and face the world where people cry for help
...but no one hears.
The Girl I See in the Mirror
Simple yet complicated
Plain yet attractive
Subtle yet intense
and most of all,
An illusion but real.
--- Did you get it?
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